With this ring

It feels weird sharing this here, because so many people in my real life still don’t know… but I feel it is therapeutic for me to talk about it and, and some point, I have to rip the band-aid off, so here goes…

saying goodbye

My husband and I separated.

I moved out.


There… now it’s out there.

I am not sure why there is such a stigma, and such shame in it.  I have been scared to tell anyone, and am not entirely sure why.  Maybe I feel like a failure.  Like I didn’t try hard enough over the past 11 years to make it work, and just gave up.  Which is insane, because I tried! Lord, how much I tried to make it work.  

But I was really unhappy.  He was too.  And our kids were not benefiting from us sticking it out.   I can say that the decision wasn’t made lightly, or without a lot of consideration… 

For a long while I was determined to try to make it work. 

But it didn’t.   


In the end, I decided to move out, with our children, and leave him the house that we shared for so long.

And then I cried.  I broke a little bit. I grieved the loss of my marriage.  I said goodbye to the fantasy I had when I was a little girl, imagining marrying my prince charming and living happily ever after.  

I sat up at night wondering if I would change my last name back to my given name, and have a different last name than my children.  I got really mad when there were enormous spiders in my daughter’s closet in our new home, and as the only adult in the house, I was forced to kill them. I periodically got a little jealous when I thought about him eventually moving on, finding someone new to love, when he would no longer be mine.  


And I missed him.  That one, I didn’t really expect… 

In the aftermath, months later, I can already see that we have made the right decision.  He seems happier than he has been in years.  I am adjusting to being a single mom, and we are getting into a routine.  I feel…




I can kill spiders.  I can take out the trash.  I can renovate kitchens. I can manage a full-time job, two children, graduate school, and a blog, without any help.  I am acutely aware that I am doing things that would have seemed impossible 3 months ago, and that is pretty awesome.  My future opportunities are endless. And wonderful.  And exciting. 


I still have moments where I grieve.  I still have days, although fewer now, where I wonder if it was the right decision… but I know that staying together is not always the answer.  It is not always the best course.  I don’t know where his future path leads, and am not sure what direction I am headed, but we have managed to separate peacefully, amicably, and respectfully.

And I am excited to see what the future holds for me and my children. 


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6 Responses to A Benchmark Summer: Saying Goodbye

  1. Sharisse says:

    Sending a big hug your way! What a benchmark summer indeed. I’m heartbroken for you that you’re having to go through such a tough time with a new baby, but it sounds like you have a renewed outlook on life. Sometimes things don’t work out the way we expect them to, but it’s usually for the best. Don’t let this break your spirit. I’m so glad to hear that you’re feeling empowered and capable—you are! Keep that positivity!

  2. Adrienne says:

    I was just catching up on your posts today, and came across this one. I’m sorry you are having to go through this, but I am glad to hear you are happy and excited about your future opportunities. Sending you hugs, and prayers as you embark on your new journey.

  3. Grief is such a hard process. I will be thinking about you and praying for you and your journey ahead. Thanks for sharing your heart and your thoughts.

  4. Thank you for writing such a raw and honest post. Sending you virtual hugs as you embark on this new chapter in your life.

  5. Jill says:

    As I was reading through this, I kept thinking…don’t let it be that….but I knew it was.

    Virtual hugs, high fives, prayers, energy…whatever your thing is. I have three really good friends who blog almost exclusively about divorce issues. If you are interested in reading/following, I can give you their links.

    I am on my THIRD marriage. The first was a young, dumb mistake and the second was horrible…the divorce was horrible and agony on me and my daughter…but through the awful times I knew…I KNEW that things would be better. And they were. Trust yourself.

  6. JANICE TRINH says:

    I never know what to say to someone who has just separated from their spouse. But I do know that the decision did not come lightly and not without much hardship. I’m sorry your fairytale ended, but I’m glad to hear that a happy ending is still not out of the picture. I do wish you (and your husband and kids) the best in the days to come. (HUGS)

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