It feels weird sharing this here, because so many people in my real life still don’t know… but I feel it is therapeutic for me to talk about it and, and some point, I have to rip the band-aid off, so here goes…
My husband and I separated.
I moved out.
There… now it’s out there.
I am not sure why there is such a stigma, and such shame in it. I have been scared to tell anyone, and am not entirely sure why. Maybe I feel like a failure. Like I didn’t try hard enough over the past 11 years to make it work, and just gave up. Which is insane, because I tried! Lord, how much I tried to make it work.
But I was really unhappy. He was too. And our kids were not benefiting from us sticking it out. I can say that the decision wasn’t made lightly, or without a lot of consideration…
For a long while I was determined to try to make it work.
But it didn’t.
In the end, I decided to move out, with our children, and leave him the house that we shared for so long.
And then I cried. I broke a little bit. I grieved the loss of my marriage. I said goodbye to the fantasy I had when I was a little girl, imagining marrying my prince charming and living happily ever after.
I sat up at night wondering if I would change my last name back to my given name, and have a different last name than my children. I got really mad when there were enormous spiders in my daughter’s closet in our new home, and as the only adult in the house, I was forced to kill them. I periodically got a little jealous when I thought about him eventually moving on, finding someone new to love, when he would no longer be mine.
And I missed him. That one, I didn’t really expect…
In the aftermath, months later, I can already see that we have made the right decision. He seems happier than he has been in years. I am adjusting to being a single mom, and we are getting into a routine. I feel…
I can kill spiders. I can take out the trash. I can renovate kitchens. I can manage a full-time job, two children, graduate school, and a blog, without any help. I am acutely aware that I am doing things that would have seemed impossible 3 months ago, and that is pretty awesome. My future opportunities are endless. And wonderful. And exciting.
I still have moments where I grieve. I still have days, although fewer now, where I wonder if it was the right decision… but I know that staying together is not always the answer. It is not always the best course. I don’t know where his future path leads, and am not sure what direction I am headed, but we have managed to separate peacefully, amicably, and respectfully.
And I am excited to see what the future holds for me and my children.
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